Taylor Hicks Rocks!

Crook Neck Tommy and his Grocery Cart Riding Wife

It seems that every town in which I have ever lived has had at least one character who marches to a different drum. Of all the slightly crazy town characters around here there is one who really stands out, "Crook Neck Tommy". The townspeople call him Crook Neck, because his neck is crooked! He makes his living repairing lawnmowers with a chicken feather and collects Government SSI checks, which he refers to as his "retirement from the state" checks. It seems he went to a special school when he was young and when he graduated he began collecting checks and thus he had '"retired". There are those in town who believe he has a true gift with a chicken feather and clogged carburetors: they don't know how he does it, but the mower will be good for another summer.

Tommy has never been able to get a driver's license, so he "drives" around town on an old riding lawn mower. He obeys all traffic signs and rules, except that instead of traveling on the shoulder of the road he drives down the lane in which he would be if he were driving a car. This would be fine on country roads, but in town the traffic backs up and horns start to blow and tempers grow short. Tommy is in the market for a new lawn mower though, he thinks all that horn blowing and cussing is because his mower is so old.

Saturday is grocery shopping day at the Piggly Wiggly for Tommy and his wife. Mrs. Crook Neck is just a tad over 300 pounds and is unable to ride "piggy back" on the rear of the mower as she once did in her younger and slimmer days. Tommy has solved that problem by hitching up an old rusty grocery cart to the rear of the mower with a piece of sturdy rope. Because of Mrs. Crook Neck's ample posterior it was necessary that Tommy cut off the sides of the grocery cart. Mrs. Crook Neck has made a large and comfortable cushion on which to sit, and Tommy has fashioned a cup holder for her iced tea, an ashtray for her cigarettes, and a garbage bag hangs from a hook so that they don't litter the country side. Rain or shine, Mrs. Crook Neck holds an old umbrella discarded by the local doctor's wife. It has a sales logo on it advertising women's vaginal itch cream, which, no doubt, is why the doctor's wife discarded it.

So off to the Piggly Wiggly they go - Tommy pushing the pedal to the metal and making 5mph in a 45mph zone. And Mrs. Crook Neck reclining in the modified grocery car, her butt hanging over the edges and nearly dragging the ground, smoking a cigarette and sitting in the shade of her umbrella. The grocery cart sways from one side of the road to the other on its length of rope as a line of cars honk and give the couple a one fingered wave. I wouldn't want a thing to change: I supose it is because I am a true Southerner brought up to enjoy and be proud of the eccentrics in our midst.

I'm so glad you started this thread!! I could picture them plain as day! Tommy Crook-Necks skill with lawnmowers reminded me of the character in "Sling Blade", one of my favorite movies of all time!

Doesn't every little town have characters like that? There was a whole family here. None of them could drive, they walked everywhere, even 20 miles to the next town. I never could figure out how the mom stayed around 300 lbs as much walking as they did.

Jody, you made my day!!!!!! Chubbyhubby LOVES your stories. He asks me daily if there are any Jody posts to read to him. Bingo!

I can picture them clear as day too. I think their relatives lived in the condos I showed this morning Seriously, this could be a book!

Another gem
I have always thought that the one thing I was totally successful at in my life was motherhood. That when it came to my children, I would lay down my life for theirs. My daughter and I were chatting on the phone tonight and she reminded me of a night when I ran screaming from my house leaving her and her sister to the monsters under the bed..... we laughed so hard about it and I feel so good now from all that laughter and I thought that maybe my tale will bring you a chuckle as well.
When my youngest daughter was 2 we took her out of her crib and put her in a big girl bed. She spent weeks coming to our room with " I sleep with you" demands. At this time we also bought our first vcr. One Friday night we rented the movie "The Fly" put the kids to bed, popped corn and watched the movie. It freaked me out. When it was over we headed for our bedroom. My husband went into the bathroom to take a shower and I sat on the side of the bed and started to undress for bed. About that time something grabbed my leg from under my bed. I have known since I was a very young girl that there are monsters who live under the bed and they will grab you when it is dark and drag you down into the pits of hell. I jumped up on my bed and began to scream bloody murder. My husband ran out of the bathroom butt naked and wanted to know what the hell was going on. I told him something was under our bed and it had grabbed my leg. He got down on all fours and was checking out the bugger under the bed when our dog came into the room to check out the commotion. Noticing my hubbys bare butt right at his eye level he took a little sniff and lick. Which then made my husband jump up and yell "son of a bitch!" Not noticing the dog and his rude behavior I believed that something really horrible was under the bed, so horrible that it made my husband cuss. ( he was a sailor... he always cussed, I don't know why I found it unusual at that time!) About this time my 2 year old began to cry from underneath my bed. I made a leaping jump from my bed to the doorway and ran screaming down the hall to my oldest daughter "Run, run, there is something under my bed and its got Christy" I did not try to rescue my baby, I did not try to grab up my oldest and run with her.... It was every soul for themselves and I was getting out of that house where I was sure a monster with a fly head was living under my bed! My husband had to chase me down and convince me the only thing under our bed was our baby. Not funny? Maybe you just had to be there!